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Why do I miss the job I hated?

You spent years complaining about the commute, the meetings, and the colleagues. Then you left, retired, or were let go. Now you find yourself missing it.

This feeling can seem like a betrayal of your own words. It is often something else.

Thirty-six years at a desk

The narrator of Charles Lamb's essay started working at a desk in Mincing Lane at fourteen and stayed for thirty-six years. In "The Superannuated Man," Lamb describes the period after the firm gave him a pension:

"I wandered about, thinking I was happy, and knowing that I was not."

— Charles Lamb, "The Superannuated Man," Last Essays of Elia (1833)

Lamb compared himself to a prisoner let out of the Bastille after forty years. He had more time than he could manage. He wrote that he wanted a steward to run his estates in Time for him.

A holiday with no edges

Lamb noted that when every day is free, it feels as though there are no holidays at all.

During his working years, a day off had edges. It had a clear beginning and end, so he walked thirty miles a day to make the most of it. The office defined the boundaries of his time. Without the office, those boundaries vanished.

What the job was doing

A hated job still has a use. It decides when you wake up and what counts as a successful day. When the job ends, those decisions do not vanish. They land on you.

Missing the job can mean missing whoever made those decisions.

Kierkegaard described anxiety as the dizziness of freedom; there is a page on what he meant.

Lamb's steward

Lamb wanted someone to manage his time. What did your job decide for you that you must now decide yourself?

Epimelea is an app built around the existential school. The conversation carries over from one meeting to the next. The archive is encrypted on the device and belongs to the person who wrote it.

About the app: an AI therapist for long-term therapy

This page is about a school of psychotherapy. It is not medical advice and not emergency help. If you are in danger right now, contact your local emergency number, or find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.