Why do I let people talk me out of what I want?
You made a decision. You knew your goal and stated it clearly. Then you spoke with someone you respect, and your plan started to feel reckless. You agreed with them. A week later, you cannot remember how you arrived at that conclusion.
Not a villain
At nineteen, Anne Elliot in Persuasion is engaged to a young officer with no money. Her father disapproves. What moves her is Lady Russell, a family friend whom Anne “had always loved and relied on.” Lady Russell offers her advice with “such tenderness of manner,” repeatedly.
She was persuaded to believe the engagement a wrong thing: indiscreet, improper, hardly capable of success, and not deserving it.
— Jane Austen, Persuasion, Chapter IV
Lady Russell is neither cruel nor scheming. She is kind and confident. Anne trusts her. This trust is why the advice works; a stranger could not have achieved this. Long before the engagement became an issue, Anne had already outsourced part of her judgment to this woman.
Eight years later
Austen jumps forward in time. “Anne, at seven-and-twenty, thought very differently from what she had been made to think at nineteen.” The phrase “made to think” suggests the original view was never truly hers.
She blamed neither Lady Russell nor herself. Austen describes it as follows: “She had been forced into prudence in her youth, she learned romance as she grew older.”
Whose caution is it
This experience differs from wanting someone else to decide for you. In this case, the decision already existed. It also differs from wondering what if regarding a path not taken. Here, the path was chosen and then surrendered.
The internal voice that calls a choice “unwise” often sounds like your own. It may have originated from someone whose opinion once outweighed yours, remaining in your head long after they stopped speaking.
Whose voice do I use when I tell myself “this is unwise”?
Epimelea is an app built around the existential school. The conversation carries over from one meeting to the next. The archive is encrypted on the device and belongs to the person who wrote it.
About the app: an AI therapist for long-term therapy
This page is about a school of psychotherapy. It is not medical advice and not emergency help. If you are in danger right now, contact your local emergency number, or find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.