Why do words never say what I mean?
You describe a difficult month to someone. You list the events and the dialogue in order, but the actual weight of the experience stays behind. You listen to your own voice and realize the words are wrong. Eventually, it feels simpler to say "I'm fine" and stop talking.
A man telling a story at night
In Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, a sailor named Marlow sits on the deck of a boat on the Thames. As night falls, he tells four friends about a journey from years before. He stops abruptly when he realizes he cannot describe the experience:
"No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one’s existence—that which makes its truth, its meaning—its subtle and penetrating essence."
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness, part I
He follows this by saying, "We live, as we dream—alone."
And then he goes on
Marlow does not stop there. He continues speaking, suggesting that his friends might see more in the story than he did at the time because they can see him, a man they know.
The narrator notes that it has grown so dark the listeners can barely see each other. Marlow is now just a voice. Some of the men may have fallen asleep, but the narrator remains awake, listening for a specific word or sentence that might offer a clue.
Marlow spends the rest of the night trying to communicate. He does not wait for perfect words. He uses the wrong ones, and at least one person stays awake to hear them.
Not the same as being alone
The general feeling of loneliness among people is covered on this page. This page is specifically about the moment you decide to stop speaking because the words do not fit.
Who did I stop telling things to?
Epimelea is an app built around the existential school. The conversation carries over from one meeting to the next. The archive is encrypted on the device and belongs to the person who wrote it.
About the app: an AI therapist for long-term therapy
This page is about a school of psychotherapy. It is not medical advice and not emergency help. If you are in danger right now, contact your local emergency number, or find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.